Official

I had my official beta per the clinic today and it was 333 which is PERFECT!!  WE ARE PREGNANT!!!  I am on day 10 but was 9.50dpt when I had my blood drawn.  I don't have another blood draw until the following week but the clinic agreed to let us have another done two days later.  I am more obsessed with seeing this number double the way it needs to.  It is comforting to see it go up since we have to wait for our ultrasound.  Ultrasound is in a few weeks...

4 weeks

Addicted

Any surrogate will tell you that you become obsessed and addicted to seeing that line get darker and darker.  I couldn't help but constantly taking tests to see it get darker and be reassured that the baby was growing and doing okay.  It is hard not to.

My last test I took

On Friday I also had my blood drawn to see what the levels were, they generally want the numbers to double every 48 hours.  My numbers were at 85 on Friday morning which meant we were right on track.  I don't have my official beta per the clinics orders until Monday morning.  We have dinner with J, T and the kids.  We also get to meet Todd's mom for the first time!  I am so excited!

Sign

Tuesday morning I peed on the stick and anticipated it to be negative again since it was still too early.  To my surprise there was another line and this time it was darker than Monday's test.  I was really starting to freak out and do the happy dance.  I sent it to my surro friends again and we picked it apart to determine that there was indeed a second line starting.  I wanted to wait til it was darker to show J and T again just to avoid them getting discouraged.  J was texting me by 7 am though asking if I had tested yet, it is kind of hard to hold this huge news in too.  I sent her the picture and she said she could see it.  I told her I would test again later that night just to make sure it was getting darker.  I was technically only 3.50 days past transfer when we got this line, so super early to know.

Since I wasn't at work on Tuesday the soonest I could get my blood levels checked were on Wednesday to see what was going on.  I was thinking they would be about the same as my first journey and be maybe 15 or so.  They ended up being  at 26 on 4.50dpt.  I was pretty excited that we had some really good news here!  It worked and this little "snowflake" stuck around!!!

3 weeks and 2 days along

Home

I thought I would have waited to start testing at home but Monday morning I figured why not.  I knew it would be negative anyways and it would be fun to see when I did start seeing a line.  To my surprise though I saw a line, I sent it to a few surro friends who have the squinter abilities and they could see it as well.  I was freaking out and thinking, Oh my gosh!  This is happening and SOOO early.  I wasn't going to say anything to J and T til I had a darker line and then I couldn't keep it in.  I told them that they were going to be parents.  It was so cute to hear their reactions!

I work for a lab and as soon as I got to work I had my blood drawn to see what my levels were.  My levels came back as negative though.  It was really strange because this was definitely a line and I wasn't just making it up in my head.  Maybe it is the start of something there....

The suspense....

Needed some extra luck to help with the transfer!

This was after I took the Valium and look a little out of it.

Our "snowflake" is practically coming out of his shell completely.  This is what the doctor calls a hatching embryo.

Since our transfer wasn't until 4pm on Friday we had lots of plans to relax and just enjoy the day.  J picked me up from my place around 10am and we headed to get a mani/pedi.  We each picked a green color for some fertility luck.  After we headed to lunch with T at Olive Garden, MMM!  It was so cute to see T get excited during lunch as he was talking about the upcoming evening.  J had massages scheduled for us both after lunch to help us both relax.  I am so glad she thought of it, it was very needed.  I think we both fell asleep during our massages.  The clinic generally says to not wear any perfumes and etc during the transfer and so I had to do a wipe bath to get oils off of my body now.  By the time we were finished with our massages it was time to book it down to the clinic for our transfer.

They wanted us to arrive a half hour prior since I needed to take a Valium to relax completely.  I don't remember feeling so out of it last time once I took the Valium, this time was a whole other story.  By the time they called us back for the transfer I had to hold on to T's arm so I could even walk straight.  I felt very relaxed and so out of it!  J and T kept laughing at me since I was clearly drugged at this point.  I've also realized I get super giggly when I am this out of it.

The nurse came in and gave us information for follow-up and etc.  We waited a little bit and it was closer to 4:20 before the doctor came in.  She explained what she would be doing and we were all glued to the little ultrasound video.

It was amazing to watch this 5 day embryo be placed into my uterus and that hopefully a few days later we would find out if we were pregnant.  I sure hope this little one decides to stick around. :)

I ended up staying at J and T's house during the weekend which was perfect!  It was fun to play games with them and get to know them more.  J is an amazing cook and spoiled us all weekend.  I felt bad though since I was still really out of it and slept most of Saturday away.  Sunday we went to the movies, J and I saw Age of Adaline.  It made me think of how MaK and I went to the movies right before we got a positive test at home.

1...

I wasn't sure if I was going to post about this journey again or not, but I need the closure to this ending.

Surrogacy is no easy task for all involved and sometimes it ends with a friendship and sometimes it doesn't.  When I first started my first journey, I would have done anything for this family because I was so eager to just start the process and help someone.  Since that journey and just finishing up another surrogacy journey with an amazing family I have learnt a thing or two.

I have kept most of the issues that arose during this journey to myself and won't really divulge what made the relationship go sour.  I do have to say that there were issues on both parts though.  I think we both thought this journey was two completely separate things.  I wanted a friendship and to feel appreciated and they, from their actions, only wanted a business transaction.  You see how the two don't really mesh and don't work out.

As a surrogate I only ever wanted to know that I was appreciated for the sacrifice that was made to get their little one to their arms.  I never once felt any desire to mother him or to raise him in any way.  I wanted to get glimpses of their new life with this added addition.  If this wasn't what they wanted to be part of than that should have been said up front and I would have moved along and found someone who felt the same way as I.  There were warning signs/red flags in the contract phase but the real sign didn't come until the day after we transferred the embryo.  We were both trapped in at that point.  I thought IM's feelings would not be what she was actually showing but in the end it was.  I was merely a business transaction and a vessel to get her son here.  For some surrogates that works for them.  They aren't bothered by that.  But for IPs to tell their surrogate that they want you to be part of the family and they seem so loving and welcoming and then things change at the drop of the hat.  It is hurtful and frustrating!  I know this is only a one-sided version but that is unfortunately all I can provide.

I do not regret being the one that helped bring that little boy into this world at all but I wish that they would have actually appreciated this thing I did for them.  To use their child as a pawn and then when I wouldn't comply they would take any contact away is really confusing.  To do this all while I am trying to recover and understand what the hell just happened and is going to happen.

I thought if I gave it some time and didn't really talk to them or pursue anything legally (something separate and nothing to do with contact after the birth) that they would somehow treat me the way they did in the beginning.  I was visiting somewhat close to where they are located last year and nervously emailed to see if I could meet up with them.  I was expecting them to say no but much to my surprise she agreed.  I felt it was the closure I needed and a blessing.  Of course with this meeting there were expectations from her that she didn't disclose until after the meeting.

I met with them at a park near to them and was able to see him and admire how big he was and how adorable he was.  It was exactly what I needed.  I needed to see him with his mom and although I didn't get to see any of the other family it was perfect!  I do have to say it was a little weird at first and I still feel like she was watching me as if I was going to snatch him up and steal her child.  I don't and never did want him to keep, I just wanted to see him in his element.  You in your element as a mom to this new little life I helped bring to your arms.  I wish that they would have been up front about what they wanted and expected out of this journey.

This little boy will forever hold a special place in my heart.  I carried him near my heart for close to 10 months and kept him safe from the world, long enough to happily hand him over to his parents.  I am sad that I won't get to hear about his huge milestones or know who he favors the most out of his siblings or between his parents.  I know I did something amazing for this family and despite their tries they can't and never will be able to take that away from me.

Happiest of birthdays to you little "P!"  I hope you are enjoying your special day, I know I will be thinking about this special birthing day today!