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I wasn't sure if I was going to post about this journey again or not, but I need the closure to this ending.

Surrogacy is no easy task for all involved and sometimes it ends with a friendship and sometimes it doesn't.  When I first started my first journey, I would have done anything for this family because I was so eager to just start the process and help someone.  Since that journey and just finishing up another surrogacy journey with an amazing family I have learnt a thing or two.

I have kept most of the issues that arose during this journey to myself and won't really divulge what made the relationship go sour.  I do have to say that there were issues on both parts though.  I think we both thought this journey was two completely separate things.  I wanted a friendship and to feel appreciated and they, from their actions, only wanted a business transaction.  You see how the two don't really mesh and don't work out.

As a surrogate I only ever wanted to know that I was appreciated for the sacrifice that was made to get their little one to their arms.  I never once felt any desire to mother him or to raise him in any way.  I wanted to get glimpses of their new life with this added addition.  If this wasn't what they wanted to be part of than that should have been said up front and I would have moved along and found someone who felt the same way as I.  There were warning signs/red flags in the contract phase but the real sign didn't come until the day after we transferred the embryo.  We were both trapped in at that point.  I thought IM's feelings would not be what she was actually showing but in the end it was.  I was merely a business transaction and a vessel to get her son here.  For some surrogates that works for them.  They aren't bothered by that.  But for IPs to tell their surrogate that they want you to be part of the family and they seem so loving and welcoming and then things change at the drop of the hat.  It is hurtful and frustrating!  I know this is only a one-sided version but that is unfortunately all I can provide.

I do not regret being the one that helped bring that little boy into this world at all but I wish that they would have actually appreciated this thing I did for them.  To use their child as a pawn and then when I wouldn't comply they would take any contact away is really confusing.  To do this all while I am trying to recover and understand what the hell just happened and is going to happen.

I thought if I gave it some time and didn't really talk to them or pursue anything legally (something separate and nothing to do with contact after the birth) that they would somehow treat me the way they did in the beginning.  I was visiting somewhat close to where they are located last year and nervously emailed to see if I could meet up with them.  I was expecting them to say no but much to my surprise she agreed.  I felt it was the closure I needed and a blessing.  Of course with this meeting there were expectations from her that she didn't disclose until after the meeting.

I met with them at a park near to them and was able to see him and admire how big he was and how adorable he was.  It was exactly what I needed.  I needed to see him with his mom and although I didn't get to see any of the other family it was perfect!  I do have to say it was a little weird at first and I still feel like she was watching me as if I was going to snatch him up and steal her child.  I don't and never did want him to keep, I just wanted to see him in his element.  You in your element as a mom to this new little life I helped bring to your arms.  I wish that they would have been up front about what they wanted and expected out of this journey.

This little boy will forever hold a special place in my heart.  I carried him near my heart for close to 10 months and kept him safe from the world, long enough to happily hand him over to his parents.  I am sad that I won't get to hear about his huge milestones or know who he favors the most out of his siblings or between his parents.  I know I did something amazing for this family and despite their tries they can't and never will be able to take that away from me.

Happiest of birthdays to you little "P!"  I hope you are enjoying your special day, I know I will be thinking about this special birthing day today!