Sign

Tuesday morning I peed on the stick and anticipated it to be negative again since it was still too early.  To my surprise there was another line and this time it was darker than Monday's test.  I was really starting to freak out and do the happy dance.  I sent it to my surro friends again and we picked it apart to determine that there was indeed a second line starting.  I wanted to wait til it was darker to show J and T again just to avoid them getting discouraged.  J was texting me by 7 am though asking if I had tested yet, it is kind of hard to hold this huge news in too.  I sent her the picture and she said she could see it.  I told her I would test again later that night just to make sure it was getting darker.  I was technically only 3.50 days past transfer when we got this line, so super early to know.

Since I wasn't at work on Tuesday the soonest I could get my blood levels checked were on Wednesday to see what was going on.  I was thinking they would be about the same as my first journey and be maybe 15 or so.  They ended up being  at 26 on 4.50dpt.  I was pretty excited that we had some really good news here!  It worked and this little "snowflake" stuck around!!!

3 weeks and 2 days along

Home

I thought I would have waited to start testing at home but Monday morning I figured why not.  I knew it would be negative anyways and it would be fun to see when I did start seeing a line.  To my surprise though I saw a line, I sent it to a few surro friends who have the squinter abilities and they could see it as well.  I was freaking out and thinking, Oh my gosh!  This is happening and SOOO early.  I wasn't going to say anything to J and T til I had a darker line and then I couldn't keep it in.  I told them that they were going to be parents.  It was so cute to hear their reactions!

I work for a lab and as soon as I got to work I had my blood drawn to see what my levels were.  My levels came back as negative though.  It was really strange because this was definitely a line and I wasn't just making it up in my head.  Maybe it is the start of something there....

The suspense....

Needed some extra luck to help with the transfer!

This was after I took the Valium and look a little out of it.

Our "snowflake" is practically coming out of his shell completely.  This is what the doctor calls a hatching embryo.

Since our transfer wasn't until 4pm on Friday we had lots of plans to relax and just enjoy the day.  J picked me up from my place around 10am and we headed to get a mani/pedi.  We each picked a green color for some fertility luck.  After we headed to lunch with T at Olive Garden, MMM!  It was so cute to see T get excited during lunch as he was talking about the upcoming evening.  J had massages scheduled for us both after lunch to help us both relax.  I am so glad she thought of it, it was very needed.  I think we both fell asleep during our massages.  The clinic generally says to not wear any perfumes and etc during the transfer and so I had to do a wipe bath to get oils off of my body now.  By the time we were finished with our massages it was time to book it down to the clinic for our transfer.

They wanted us to arrive a half hour prior since I needed to take a Valium to relax completely.  I don't remember feeling so out of it last time once I took the Valium, this time was a whole other story.  By the time they called us back for the transfer I had to hold on to T's arm so I could even walk straight.  I felt very relaxed and so out of it!  J and T kept laughing at me since I was clearly drugged at this point.  I've also realized I get super giggly when I am this out of it.

The nurse came in and gave us information for follow-up and etc.  We waited a little bit and it was closer to 4:20 before the doctor came in.  She explained what she would be doing and we were all glued to the little ultrasound video.

It was amazing to watch this 5 day embryo be placed into my uterus and that hopefully a few days later we would find out if we were pregnant.  I sure hope this little one decides to stick around. :)

I ended up staying at J and T's house during the weekend which was perfect!  It was fun to play games with them and get to know them more.  J is an amazing cook and spoiled us all weekend.  I felt bad though since I was still really out of it and slept most of Saturday away.  Sunday we went to the movies, J and I saw Age of Adaline.  It made me think of how MaK and I went to the movies right before we got a positive test at home.

1...

I wasn't sure if I was going to post about this journey again or not, but I need the closure to this ending.

Surrogacy is no easy task for all involved and sometimes it ends with a friendship and sometimes it doesn't.  When I first started my first journey, I would have done anything for this family because I was so eager to just start the process and help someone.  Since that journey and just finishing up another surrogacy journey with an amazing family I have learnt a thing or two.

I have kept most of the issues that arose during this journey to myself and won't really divulge what made the relationship go sour.  I do have to say that there were issues on both parts though.  I think we both thought this journey was two completely separate things.  I wanted a friendship and to feel appreciated and they, from their actions, only wanted a business transaction.  You see how the two don't really mesh and don't work out.

As a surrogate I only ever wanted to know that I was appreciated for the sacrifice that was made to get their little one to their arms.  I never once felt any desire to mother him or to raise him in any way.  I wanted to get glimpses of their new life with this added addition.  If this wasn't what they wanted to be part of than that should have been said up front and I would have moved along and found someone who felt the same way as I.  There were warning signs/red flags in the contract phase but the real sign didn't come until the day after we transferred the embryo.  We were both trapped in at that point.  I thought IM's feelings would not be what she was actually showing but in the end it was.  I was merely a business transaction and a vessel to get her son here.  For some surrogates that works for them.  They aren't bothered by that.  But for IPs to tell their surrogate that they want you to be part of the family and they seem so loving and welcoming and then things change at the drop of the hat.  It is hurtful and frustrating!  I know this is only a one-sided version but that is unfortunately all I can provide.

I do not regret being the one that helped bring that little boy into this world at all but I wish that they would have actually appreciated this thing I did for them.  To use their child as a pawn and then when I wouldn't comply they would take any contact away is really confusing.  To do this all while I am trying to recover and understand what the hell just happened and is going to happen.

I thought if I gave it some time and didn't really talk to them or pursue anything legally (something separate and nothing to do with contact after the birth) that they would somehow treat me the way they did in the beginning.  I was visiting somewhat close to where they are located last year and nervously emailed to see if I could meet up with them.  I was expecting them to say no but much to my surprise she agreed.  I felt it was the closure I needed and a blessing.  Of course with this meeting there were expectations from her that she didn't disclose until after the meeting.

I met with them at a park near to them and was able to see him and admire how big he was and how adorable he was.  It was exactly what I needed.  I needed to see him with his mom and although I didn't get to see any of the other family it was perfect!  I do have to say it was a little weird at first and I still feel like she was watching me as if I was going to snatch him up and steal her child.  I don't and never did want him to keep, I just wanted to see him in his element.  You in your element as a mom to this new little life I helped bring to your arms.  I wish that they would have been up front about what they wanted and expected out of this journey.

This little boy will forever hold a special place in my heart.  I carried him near my heart for close to 10 months and kept him safe from the world, long enough to happily hand him over to his parents.  I am sad that I won't get to hear about his huge milestones or know who he favors the most out of his siblings or between his parents.  I know I did something amazing for this family and despite their tries they can't and never will be able to take that away from me.

Happiest of birthdays to you little "P!"  I hope you are enjoying your special day, I know I will be thinking about this special birthing day today!

Egg Donor

I wanted to get the okay from my IM before I went announcing that they were using an egg donor.  I personally think it is amazing that there is a village to help this amazing family. :)

I won't lie though I was a bit nervous when she said they needed to use an ED, not because I am against them or think it is crazy by any means, I mean I'm carrying a baby for another family for Pete's sake.  No, I was nervous because usually it takes a LONG time to find the right fit and perfect ED.  J didn't waste anytime finding their girl at all.  They actually had 3 they were choosing from.  There biggest concern was finding someone who was healthy and didn't have a family history or personal history of illnesses and mental illnesses.

With that said, we had quite the crazy ride with the egg donor situation.  When we started this process we were planning on doing a fresh transfer, meaning that I'd need to sync up with the egg donor's cycle.  I was a bit nervous about the extra medication, Lupron that I would need to take.

The clinic was calling all 3 of the egg donor's to see where they were and if they were available.  The first ED was working with a couple already and was taken for the next couple of months.  The second one was working with a couple as well.  The third one wasn't returning phone calls yet.  My IM was so cool about it and said if they needed to choose more ED to choose from, no big deal.  A couple days later, I believe, the clinic called IM and said that they had an ED and it was actually the second choice.  Apparently she was basically to the point of her retrieval and the couple wanting her backed out at the last second.  Bad news for her but great news for us!  This also meant that we would need to change our protocol and have a frozen transfer instead of a fresh one.

They were able to fertilize 21 eggs and by the end of the process they ended up with 8 good little babies, one of which was textbook perfect!  They decided to do the PGD testing to ensure that they didn't have any issues as well, which also meant that we would get to know what the sex was of each baby.  So crazy!

After a week or two we found out that we finally had 6 all together that were perfect little snowflakes, they were frozen and waiting now.  3 of these babies are girls and 3 of them are boys.  I know what they are wanting to transfer first but I will keep you all in suspense for now.

On a side note, we are only going to transfer one little snowflake to prevent from purposely have me carrying twins.  If it splits then that is totally okay with me, I will just learn a whole new ball park of pregnancy symptoms.  I asked my daughter what she thought the baby would be and she said two boys. ha  She was spot on last time so we will see what happens.  Also a week or so ago, my IM said that IF was talking in his sleep and randomly started saying "twins."  I've been preparing myself for that possibility.

Racing to start

It is always funny to me with the surrogacy world how eager we are to start and be pregnant right away and how that just doesn't seem to happen.  This time I wasn't even looking at being a carrier again, not a real time frame for me.  I had actually been talking to this couple for other reasons and it was like a light bulb went on, it was a duh moment for me.  Once I put me carrying on the table it just kind of worked.  The best part is this family is local and live in Utah as well.  We actually only live maybe 20 minutes away from each other.

I met with IM in September and I felt like a teenager going on a date for the first time.  I was stressing over what to wear.  What do I bring up?  You see we hadn't even discussed any of the big deal things before.  I really was just kind of not looking or planning on this happening, at least for a couple of years.  I was super nervous and we invited our friend Jen with us.  My IM had actually contacted her and asked if she knew of any surros.  When Jen posted in our little group I put the two together that this was the same person I had been talking to.

Dinner was great and IM was amazing and so sweet.  She is originally from the South and she engulfs every southern trait that I love.  During dinner she kept talking as if I was the one that would carry for them.  It is hard to just assume that we are matched so I had to make sure. ha  Everything was kind of a whirlwind after this, or a lot of hurry up and wait.

We were eager to get this show on the road and had talked about doing a transfer in January.  I was trying to be optimistic but we had a LOT of work to do prior to transfer.  We had to get medical clearance, psychological evaluations done, blood work done, contracts started and finished.  They had a few trips planned and things they needed to get for the lawyers.

In the State of Utah surrogacy is legal and you can do it but you have a few hoops to jump through.  The longest part was they had to get a lot of paperwork and etc ready for the lawyer to submit to the courts.

Contracts were literally a breeze.  We had talked about the big stuff and agreed on the most important things.  We had our contract signed and ready to submit to courts the beginning of March.  Then we just needed to wait it out.  Prior to this we each had lots of blood work done, got medically cleared to carry by the RE, and got a psychological evaluation and was cleared to move forward.  Contracts only took about 2 weeks of back and forth.  It really was a breeze!  Now to wait for a judge to tell us the next step...

I think we heard back from our judge within a week of submitting the contract and all of the documents needed.  Our judge validated our contract and kind enough to waive their home study and a court hearing.  I am so glad our Utah judges are getting better about this.  It was absolute none sense when my FIPs had to get a home study done.  With our paperwork we also submitted to have a PBO verified or validated (not sure the specific wording) to ensure my IPs names are on the birth certificate.  We are legally good to go. :)

Like I said earlier I haven't been in a huge rush to get pregnant, although I would like to just give them the baby now.  So even though it has taken 7 months for us to get to this point it hasn't felt like it.  With how much stuff we were rushing to get done in the last two months I feel like transfer day has snuck up on us.

At first my medication protocol was going to include Lupron and I was extremely nervous to take it.  One I've never done a shot in my stomach and second I have heard the side effects of that drug.  Not pretty.  They ended up changing my medication protocol and I no longer needed the Lupron.   YEAH!!

I started my first dose of estradial on April 3 and was not too bad til the next morning.  My hips are just uncomfortable and a little sore.  Nothing too crazy yet.  My moods though, yikes.  I don't remember being this moody before.  It took a couple doses for my moods to level out a bit, I think with the peak in estrogen my body was freaking out.  My blood levels have all been perfect and where they need to be.  I had my baseline ultrasound on April 3rd as well and my ovaries were being quiet and everything looked good.  I had my first lining since starting medication on the 14th to see what my lining was doing.  I have been taking the medication they recommended and also an extra vitamin E and L'Arginine to help things thicken up and get fluffy.  I was so happy when she said my lining was at an 8 already and I still had over a week before we were to transfer.  We are doing a FET/SET on April 24th which puts their our due date at January 10, 2016!!  I can't wait to share this journey and to hand them a baby at the end of this. :)

My little helper, she was so excited to give me my shot.

I had the nurses circle the area it needed to be in so that I wouldn't hurt as much. :)